If I were to sit here and type every single event I experienced in detail, I would sit here for days. The day I left an abusive relationship I was 2 months pregnant with an 18-month old in my arms.
Enough was enough.
4 months prior I had left and after pleads and tears from this person I hesitantly came back. Stupid, stupid me. That same night I came back, this person quit his job because they “hated it”. What the fuck! Too late, my stuff was already all moved back from my mothers home. Things got really bad again soon afterwards. And then I found out I was pregnant.
I tried to hold on and work through things because I loved this person and did not want my children to be fatherless. The same way I was. But I just could not take it anymore. Everything I tried, every humiliating moment, every moment of pain was making it difficult to breathe. I was suffocating and I needed to break free.
This was not life. This was no way to live much less for my children. What kind of people would my kids grow up to be if they stayed here?
When I left the second time I knew it was for good and I was never coming back. The moment I made my decision I knew that was it. I had given it my all, every part of me for this person to just stomp all over me like I was trash. Like I wasn’t even human or deserved to be treated like one.
My blood boiled with a rage I had never felt before. I took my 18 month old and put him in the backseat of my friends car to be dropped off at my mom’s while I packed our things. Again.
I will never forget the look on my son’s face as I put him in that car. A look of fear and confusion. My little boy and his teary eyes. I tried to comfort him and told him everything was going to be OK, he calmed down and went on his way. It took every ounce of strength to hold my tears back so he would not see me cry and believe me.
My children are my beating heart and reason for my breathing.
The abuse didn’t stop there. Eventually police got involved because this person wanted to kill me and harm my family, which he did. He harmed my family.
Out of fear I waited too long to get that damn restraining order.
Last year I was granted a permanent restraining order after the existing one expired after 5 years. I had to face him in court and it was terrifying but I pulled through.
Getting out of an abusive relationship is not easy. I hope that any woman going through abuse realizes her worth and leaves. I hope that they look at their children and realize they deserve better. It won’t be easy. Being a single mother is hard but being with person who will eventually end up destroying you is even harder.
You can’t grow into the beautiful woman you are meant to be when you are surrounded by assholes.
It is important to seek support and protect yourself. I am glad I didn’t end up on the 8’oclock news. Unfortunately a lot of women do and it breaks my heart that they didn’t have the support they needed.
I am in a much, much better place now. Life hasn’t been easy but I’ve learned to deal with a lot of this pain. Therapy helped a bit, but I think time is the real medicine.
I never stopped believing in love. I never will.